a confession

Nothing. Nothing is absolutely happening. My life had become a mechanical recurrence of predefined events, with predefined choices, with predictable outcomes. I’m losing interest in things I was excited before. I’m choosing to be well off doing least effort, low risk, and almost no gain activities. Nothing surprises me anymore.

Basically, my life is dead. I’m falling into the depths of subtlety, and normality. I had become one with the linear future that will end in death. What’s more, I have only lived the earth for 21 years to date and I’m already feeling like this now. All of the past has been like yesterday, and tomorrow is as soon as the present.

I wake up. I eat. I take a bath. I get clothed. I go to work. I eat. I go home. I sleep.

Ad infinitum.

Whenever I go out and try something new, a moment later, I realize it’s done. I’m back to where I was before; being one with the predictable world.

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Every day, I think about how I would escape from this predicament. I keep thinking, that everything I have been doing is not enough. I keep on believing that I am always incomplete, and that I should search for the one that would fulfill me.

I keep thinking, I keep finding, but it’s not enough.

Nothing is enough for me. I cannot be satisfied – as it is now.

I admit – I have no clear goals in life. My goals are rather basic – be rich to do whatever I want – but that’s too bland. To be honest, I’d like for that to happen because I had to gain more wealth to be able to keep finding what would fulfill me.

But how do I do that. Nothing is happening in my life right now. Nothing significant. Nothing of worth. Nothing at all.

I want to wish for something to hit me at random. I want to believe life in non-linear, but my lethargy outweighs my faith in life.

I just don’t care.

Would you want to care for me though?

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Discourse

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