happiness

Painful. That will be the first word to describe the state I am in now. Pain that is rather, complex, unphysical in nature. Pain that I, myself cannot even comprehend. Pain that can only be described by dreams and imagination. Pain, that is not suffering, but is grotesque. Pain that knows no bounds, of which, it fails to subside. Pain that isn’t harmful at all, yet, mortifying.

I am in agony. I scream, whilst I had my mouth shut. Darkness, of which I am afraid, is taking over my soul. I am tormented by the hell of which my consciousness and feelings drive me to ensue that sensation, that maddening, intensifying, ingratuitous, sorrow and desolation.

I am in death. I sleep, in endless slumber. In my nonexistent world I see myself drowning, inhaling blood as I continue to strive for death in my eternal wake. Accursed to experiencing this reality, I rejected my insanity. Corrupted by the voices I hear in my mind, I remain foolish.

Sorrowful. It would be satisfying if someone felt pity for me. If only they could understand and bear the weight of my desperate existence. But they laugh. Joyful, they chant their curses at my inconceivable illness. Slated as one of the world’s most severe defects, they tarnished my past, my present, my future, with their judgmental whims and conclusions. It is as if, I exist to desist from existing. Hated, they burn all my attempts to recognize hope in the world I was presented to.

I cried. I closed my eyes and asked for empathy. I tried to be human. I tried to understand the world. I tried to comprehend this filthy, sick world I belonged to. But I failed. I failed to know the reasons, the truths of my corruption.

I was sad. I was alone. I was empty. I just am.

 

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Discourse

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