the bookmark: prolouge

I stopped being like this for a while. I just stopped
doing things, those important things. Even now, I am still like that. The
reason, I don’t know. For example, I just stopped dreaming. I forgot the things
that are most important to me. Spirituality, education, even affection. I
cannot see the world as I can see it before. I, impeccably, changed. The
reason, I still do not comprehend. I can say I am just alone. It may be true,
but I have my family, and friends. I also clung to God. I may be refuting
myself, but these are what I felt. I might be wrong, but that is also a fact
that I am not sure of. I can’t seem to accept the world’s reality. That said, I
cannot believe the things as it is. Everything, as fake.

I am Mark Jayson. 17 years old. I attend college. I haven’t got enough free
time, and actually, I might have done better things than writing this soliloquy
of thought and confession. I am aware, that by doing this, nothing would
happen. Nothing would ever happen.

I used to believe the things that are often said to me.

“Study hard”. “Never lie to anyone”. “Do not hurt anybody”. “I trust in
you”. “Believe in yourself”.

I kept them as my principles. Principles which led me to the straight path.
Principles, in which, I coherently knew that it would lead me to success.

But things have changed. I was led astray. I was believing in them too
much.

I might be wrong. I might be right. I couldn’t tell. You can’t tell either.
They are just plain, irrefutable, propositions.

For that reason, I lost myself. It isn’t obvious though. I cannot tell
myself. In your point of view, I might just be cathartic. I mean, I still have
hope and such. Like what I’ve said, I have nothing to lack of, or to be
melancholic at. Such problems can be resolved easily, that which is apparent.
You might say I am not the last person in the world. There are other people
worse than me. Yes. It is very obvious, and I am fully aware of it myself. That
is the reason, why I kept myself being what I am as of now. I am not special. I
have nothing. Nothing to be proud of.

Yes. I am not that bad. I can excel over others. I am good in a thing or
two. But I still feel empty. Now that I have come to this…

What is it that led me astray?

I might have lost something. Again, I am not sure, but it is the thought
that keeps on bugging me most. Did I lose hope? Faith? Trust? Emotion? Love?

That last part stung me. I realized that it can’t be it. I am a logical
being. A being that is rational. I cannot accept that. Or do I?

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Discourse

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